Some people go to great lengths to avoid conflict. They may suppress their opinions, hide information or postpone meetings. . Whilst this strategy may work at the workplace (if you manage to fly under the radar), it’s very difficult to maintain in a close relationship. By constantly steering clear of conflict, one slowly develops feelings of resentment and bitterness which accumulate with time. Eventually, stress or some unexpected crises triggers discord and it’s virtually impossible to prevent it.

Others easily engage in conflict at a drop of a hat. This is because they are well practiced, not intimidated by others and confident they will win. In the process, they blow off steam and are able to get rid of their immediate anger and irritation. Unfortunately, they are also usually unaware of the path of destruction they leave behind regarding their interpersonal relationships, especially with those who try to avoid conflict. Killman describes the following styles:

Turtles
They believe it is easier to withdraw than face conflict. They deliberately stay away from issues that may cause tension and avoid individuals that they are in conflict with. Turtles are not equipped to deal with hostile emotions and believe that it’s hopeless to try to resolve anything, even if this means abandoning a close relationship or giving up on a personal goal.

Sharks
Their style is to intimidate and force their opponents to accept their point of view. They consider their personal goals as far more important than human relationships. Their ambition is to achieve, at any cost, without concern for others’ needs. . They often don’t mind if people like or accept them.

Teddy Bears
They value relationships far more than their own goals. To be accepted and liked by other people is of utmost importance to them. They believe that conflict cannot be discussed without damaging a relationship and will therefore avoid it in order to live in harmony with others. To preserve a relationship, Teddy Bears will easily abandon their personal goals.

Foxes
They are concerned about their goals as well as their relationship with other people. They therefore naturally seek a compromise with others and are prepared to sacrifice part of their goals (to a certain degree), yet will also try and persuade the other party to do the same.

Owls
Like foxes, they place high value on their goals and relationships. They see conflict as a problem to be solved and seek solutions to accommodate their own goals as well as those of the other party. Owls, however, also regard conflict as an opportunity to improve on relationships. They are only satisfied when all tension has been fully resolved.

How to resolve conflict:
Conflict is simply a process of negotiation or bargaining through the medium of communication. The more constructive and cooperative the technique, the more positive the outcome will be. Covey describes the following outcomes:

Win-lose
This authoritarian type approach is the most common conflict resolution style and stems from the way we have been programmed by society, our peers and family members. It is based on the philosophy that one party needs to achieve their goals at the expense of another. To achieve this, any method is acceptable, including aggression, intimidation, criticism, pulling rank and sarcasm. The legal system of our society operates in a similar way, strengthening the belief that one party is “right” and must therefore be rewarded, whilst the other party is “wrong” and should therefore be punished. As the losing party’s needs are not met, win-lose conflict resolution is only superficial and temporary. It is a hollow victory for the winner and almost always impacts negatively on the relationship. It also creates the risk of more conflict at a later stage. Lose-win This is the subservient or opposite of win–lose. Based on their programming, lose-win people believe they will not get their way and that it is easier to give up and accept defeat in order to avoid more emotional pain. These individuals are easily intimidated by more forceful or aggressive individuals and usually lack the courage to express themselves in company.

The lose–win scenario is worse than win–lose, as individuals bury a lot of unexpressed feelings of deep disappointment and disillusionment, leading to cynicism and over-sensitivity. These suppressed feelings rarely disappear, usually bubbling up at some later stage in life to either ruin a new relationship, or present as a psychosomatic illness of the stomach, lungs and skin.

Lose-lose
When two win-lose people become gridlocked and cannot achieve their personal goals at the other’s cost, wounded egos unleash a destructive consequence involving dissatisfaction, anger and resentment. This is because the parties see the end result as a loss, often leading to the desire to get even or take revenge, even if it requires wasting more money, time and effort. Lose-lose is the philosophy of destruction. It comes with significant personal cost as well as the potential to lose even more.

Win-win
When both parties have an honest and firm commitment to find a mutually satisfying agreement, they are able to focus on a solution which will satisfy both parties. The ultimate solution is shaped by three sets of needs, namely “yours”, “mine” and “ours”. As a result the future relationship is strengthened and respect is maintained. Win-win seeks mutual benefit in a cooperative, rather than a competitive arena “Our” solution is better than “mine” or “yours”. Win-win is based on the abundance mentality, namely that there is enough for everybody.

No deal
If win-win fails, no-deal becomes the next best option. This is where both parties agree to disagree without judgement, resentment or anger. Disappointment may be present, but as an emotion, it is not strong enough to damage a relationship.

How to control conflict:
The following techniques may help you:

• Stop blaming each other
• Stop pleading innocent
• Stop comparing
• Accept the responsibility of managing your own emotion
• Minimise the other party’s defensiveness by not saying anything personal or nasty

If one considers the complexities of lose–win and win–lose scenarios, some parties may be on different wavelengths and may not agree with all the above suggestions. This is quite normal and does not mean that one should abandon hope and/or the process. Before one blames the other party for “aggravating” the conflict by being “uncooperative”, one should firstly make sure that one’s own housekeeping is in good order and a proper conflict management strategy is in place.

Strategic step 1: what do you want?
Clarify your goals and the degree to which you want to maintain the relationship.

• What will the consequences be of terminating the relationship?
• What are your own objectives and goals?

Strategic step 2: how to achieve your objective
If you have decided to achieve your own goals as well as maintain the relationship (win / win) and are ready to deal with the situation, confront the other person making sure that:

• You choose an appropriate time and place and avoid a half-hearted "hit-and-run" attempt
• You indicate to the other party that you sincerely wish to resolve the conflict
• You emphasise that your reasons include the importance of maintaining the relationship
• Remain calm at all times by keeping the “bigger picture” in mind
• Listen to the other person without interjecting or criticising
• Communicate your perceptions and feelings about the issues concerned, focusing on the issues and not on the other person
• Attempt to understand the other person's point of view and feelings by asking proper questions, rather than making insinuations or assumptions
• Reassure the other party that you understand his/her point of view by verbally summarising all the main issues

With advanced conflict situations, especially with a romantic partner or spouse, a condition referred to as “emotional flooding” occurs, where logic and optimism is cast aside because of the severe degree of emotional turmoil caused by the decaying relationship. When this happens, conflict unfortunately often reaches a point of no return and the majority of these relationships inevitably dissolve. When this happens, the best solution is a “no deal”, rather than a “lose / lose” outcome, and it is best to seek assistance to guide you through the process. As with all the other emotional skills, conflict management requires lots of practice and gets better with time.

Conclusion
We live in a world filled with hatred, suspicion and anger. Yet, all around us such wonderful and inspirational deeds are done by people who make the world a better place by improving the lives of others. These deeds are done with kindness, compassion, understanding and the basic human desire to strive for excellence.
Through hardship and daily exposure at the coalface of life, we often lose our childlike innocence. We become over-sensitive, suspicious and over-reactionary, ready to take up arms and fight for our rights. We protect our wants, demands and needs at any cost. In the process we lose track of a much bigger and significantly more

important goal in life, toward which we should all strive to participate in. It’s a duty, a code of conduct and a calling that all must respect and abide by. That duty is called contribution. What, at the end of the day, can we say we’ve contributed to the world and the lives of others, especially when compared to what we receive?

“Nothing in life is to be feared. It is only to be understood.”
Marie Curie

[Read more about how to establish better boundaries]