Boundaries are like invisible force-fields protecting you from others who, with their inconsiderate behaviour, ungratefulness or constant demands, drive you around the bend. Once properly defined, boundaries determine how people closely associated behave towards each other. Your mood and the quality of your relationships are dependent on the strength of your boundaries. If people close to you consume too much of your time and you allow them to belittle your efforts when you have tried so hard or speak to you in a rude or sarcastic manner, they will continue. If, however, you set certain standards by defining what you are prepared to put up with and what not, they will stop. The reward is your emotional contentment, a worthwhile concept that all of us must continuously pursue.

How does one draw the line?
Someone asks you: “Shall I wear red or blue?” Unless you are going to a sporting event, your answer will most likely be based on your personal preference. What if the person tells you he is about to cross a field belonging to a grumpy old bull that hates red? Your answer now becomes a matter of moral choice. Should you, out of mischief, tell this person to wear red? On the other hand, if he becomes injured by the bull, who is to blame? Is it the bull or is it you?

If the bull cannot help but charge at anything red, can it be blamed for doing something that comes out of instinct? On the other hand, if you have an instinctive compulsion to cause mischief, why not than suggest red? Can you, however, use the same argument to claim innocence? What if you refuse to comment on the colour? Are you less guilty by taking a passive stance?

If you analyse the finer details of a typical boundary issue, drawing the line can become a very complex problem. If you feel pressurised by someone, is it your fault for obliging, or is it the other person’s fault for being inconsiderate? After all, the other person is merely acting out of instinct if you see it in a philosophical sense...

Can one simplify the process?
Yes. If you are dissatisfied about something, the “something” is the problem. Once identified, stop fretting about it and stop over-analysing the problem. Focus on the solution. You need to plan a proper strategy. Keep it simple by taking one step at a time. Do not over-react or throw a tantrum - nobody enjoys it.

Please accept that whenever boundaries are defined, it leads to conflict. This is normal. Do not allow yourself to become intimidated by the prospect. There are ways of controlling conflict in order to achieve a positive outcome for both parties. This is a healthy process from which you will benefit in the long term.

Where does one start?
If many issues are bothering you, start with the most pressing ones. Do not tackle more than three at a time. Nobody enjoys a long lecture, so keep it short and simple.

Although the actual process is quite simple, most people find it difficult to get started. All you need to do is say “No”, something that you may not be good with or have had a lot of practice.  Saying “No” in the right manner does not make you a nasty or difficult person. Saying “No” in the wrong manner, however, especially after you have allowed yourself to become overwhelmed and short tempered from previous experiences, may lead to conflict. Being firm and consistent earns you respect from other people. Being melodramatic and inconsistent does not.

What is the best way to say no?
Saying “No” becomes easy if you are polite, calm and respectful. Although you may feel obliged to give a reason for saying “No”, this is usually not required. Strategically it can also become tricky to manage. Once you involve yourself in a debate about “Why?” it is common to fall back into your old pattern of self-defensive rhetoric that will get you nowhere in the end. Keep your reasons short and concise. The other party will try and convince you otherwise, but don’t be flaky. Stick to your point of view.

Don’t be surprised if the other party becomes angry / aggressive / insulting / condescending / threatening /etc. It must be part of your strategy to expect it. Stay in control by remaining calm and polite. Remember that the very people that you have a boundary problem with will, by their nature, be the ones who will automatically try and push you, emotionally manipulate you or lay a guilt complex on you. Look through this ploy and stand your ground. Act out of courage and conviction and mind your manners. Your motive and strategy is pure. You are right and stop fretting about silly and unnecessary stuff. With time, when the boundaries between you and the other party are more clearly redefined, the tension will ease and you will be in a more comfortable space to restore the relationship.

Here are some examples of saying no:
“No, I unfortunately can’t work late tonight. I already have a very important commitment which I cannot cancel at such short notice.”
“No, I can’t do this new task of yours right now because I already have a priority that urgently needs my attention. Let me make some time for it later in the day.”
“No, I can’t lend you money / buy you that right now. My budget does not allow for it.”
“No, now is not the right time for this discussion. Let’s schedule it for a time that suits us both. When are you available?”

Examples of where you draw the line are:
“I find breaking wind/eating with your mouth open/etc. really offensive. Please stop doing that when you are in my company!”
“I am busy speaking and do not want to be interrupted right now. Please wait for your turn!”
“These are personal items that are precious to me. Please don’t play with them!”

Conclusion
It will be difficult to establish or enforce effective boundaries if you yourself are guilty of double standards. What’s good for the goose must also be good for the gander. Raising the levels of respectable behaviour and defining good manners means that you must stick to the same standards. Nobody likes pretentiousness. Snide remarks, sarcasm, criticism, nagging and hinting are all forms of irritating behaviour that must be avoided.  This includes inappropriate or insensitive comments, inopportune interference and not paying attention to others. Timing is also important. If your boss is personally so overwhelmed by his personal workload that he is battling to get through his day, it may not be so wise to insist on a discussion about your problems or demand your right to a longer lunch break.  The benefits, however, of effective boundaries will greatly improve any relationship, be it personal or work related. Don’t give up on them.

“Who you are shouts so loudly in my ears that I cannot hear what you are saying.”
Ralph Waldo Emerson

[Read more about better ways to manage conflict]